Dangerous Liaisons

According to a highly qualified civil engineer that I know, the rumours that the planned rebuilding of Victoria Street are not due to subsidence caused by an excess of weight on the 4^th floor of Eland House. There had been a fear that the sharp shift to right combined with the increasing mass has caused some major structural damage to the area. It does appear the danger has been partly offset by massive production of recent hot air which has released some seismic pressure. Whilst my concerns have been abated by my engineering friend, I was subsequently frightened by another friend who is a cosmologist. She described the situation where a massive inert mass collapses in on itself sucking in everything, including light, evidence, decency and ethics. This is truly scary, perhaps when cuddly celebrity astrologer Russell Grant is freed up from his turn on Strictly Come Dancing he will care to comment upon the chances of this cosmological catastrophe – I don’t think we will have to wait long.

Obvious the big plans for knocking down and rebuilding a large part of Victoria Street will cause some problems for existing tenants. It does appear that one particular organisation does have some fairly well developed (but secret – so shh!) plans. After Westminster Council have managed to sack a large number of pen-pushing enemies of enterprise, the remainder are going to shack up with us lot in Eland House. Not exactly a case of sleeping with the enemy but more a dangerous incestuous liaison I think.

So what are the plans for the rebuilt Victoria Street? Not sure but we could do with a new Greggs, there is only so many times staff can be expected to dine at Nandos. Come on Uncle Eric see if you can pull your weight and get us a lovely new bakery serving sugary buns and sausage rolls.

Return of the Saint

As you may remember one of Uncle Eric's key achievement is flying county flags above the offices of DCLG. Uncle Eric has been rightly proud of his joint flag flying venture with fellow cuddly bundle of fun Russell Grant, but I fear he has committed a sin over his celebration of St George's day.   I assume he will display an act of penance such as self-flagellation in Victoria Street next week once he is made aware of his error.

Here is my latest FoI request to DCLG: 

Dear Chums

As an avid follower of Uncle Eric, I look forward to his informative updates to the House of Commons. (http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201011/cmhansrd/cm110427/wmstext/110427m0001.htm#11042766000004)

This week Uncle Eric said:

"With Easter, St George's day and the impending royal wedding, there are great opportunities for communities across the nation to come together and celebrate. [...] The Department flew the flag of St George above its headquarters and I encouraged public bodies to fly the English flag as a unifying symbol for the English nation, to be followed by flying the Union flag come the royal wedding."

Normally when reading such pomp as this I would feel my chest swell, a tear form in my eye and my heart quicken. As a patriot I have for many years flown a St George Cross from the aerial of my Rover 25 and a JD sports flag has been hung out the bathroom window since Euro 96 at Tickles Towers. I have often contemplated a tattoo to display my patriotic fervor but have not gone through as I am scared of pricks, especially blunt ones.

But on reading this I was quite simply outraged, my blood quite literally boiled. I have rarely read such blasphemy from someone who I thought respected the church and the Lord. As every hard working Christian family knows Holy week takes precedence over Saints days. Hence, us real hard working Christian families will not be celebrating St George’s day until 2^nd May. I really find DCLGs ignorance of this fact quite stunning. So please can I request:

1. Which Senior Civil Servant, Minister or Special Adviser was responsible for the flying of the St George Cross on the incorrect day?

2. What action will be taken against the member of staff who made this critical error?

3. And can you assure me that the St George Cross will be hoisted up to proudly fly above Eland House on 2^nd May and an apology to the nation made?

Secondly, I was joyful that Uncle Eric has been encouraging all public bodies to fly the English flag as unifying symbol of the English nation. Can you provide information on:

1) As DCLG has responsibilities in Wales, such as fire authorities, can you tell me how many Welsh public bodies have followed the request from the Secretary of State and proudly flown the English flag?

I am very upset about all of this mix up over St George’s Day and I fear it may spoil my royal wedding. Time to go and dig out the bunting.

Yours un-saintly

Derek

Tom Foxton - a man wasted at DCLG

Wow, I got a great reply to a recent request about Russell Grant (yes that one) helping out at DCLG . The original request is here:

http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/it_is_written_in_the_stars#outgoing-105383


and my reply to Tom is below:

Hey Tom

In the words of Bonnie Tyler:

"I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight"

..excuse the potential unintended homo-eroticism but you have
become my hero.

What-a-reply!!!!

It was clear, to the point and well researched. Obviously your
ability to source evidence and present it objectively are wasted at
DCLG; especially now that evidence based policy has gone out of
fashion quicker than Uncle Eric's tired suits. I hope you soon get
a job at a proper department such as The Treasury or DEFRA (er..
that's a joke)

Lovin' yer work blud,

Derek