Saturday, 19 March 2011

Tree's Company

We have been told times are hard and that’s no lie. If I was to shed a tear each time a friend, colleague or even the irritating fool who sat opposite me has been made redundant, Eland House would be flooded to the 2nd floor in my salty fluids.

I am sure there will not be a dry eye in the house when Uncle Eric and his band of fools leave DCLG – tears of joy. This is assuming that they wake up poor Grant Shapps and take him with them. There is a real fear amongst staff  that if he was left behind he would be unable to find his way out without assistance and could end up causing even greater damage to DCLG and local government.

In these hard big society times staff morale can be adversely affected. This has been starkly portrayed in the latest DCLG staff survey.

Shockingly less than a third of staff are positive about DCLG as an organization and a fifth do not feel that DCLG motivates them to meet their objectives. No wonder Dave ‘The PM’ Cameron suggests that they are ‘enemies of enterprise’.

Senior staff therefore face the challenge of motivating this increasingly despondent workforce. They have realised what’s needed at DCLG is a ‘celebration’ to raise these wobbly spirits. But how?

Perhaps they could play Cool and the Gang at full blast every morning through the offices.

YAHOO! YAHOO! (Its a Celebration)
Celebrate good times
come on ! - Let's celebrate
Celebrate good times
come on ! - Let's celebrate

There's a party going on right here a celebration 

to last throughout the years.
So bring your good times and your laughter too
we're gonna celebrate your party with you
Come on now (Celebration)
let's all celebrate and have a good time.
We go celebrate and have a good time.

Maybe not- Uncle Eric hasn’t seen his dancing shoes for some time.

Could the great Secretary of State could stop off at Tesco Express on the way to work and buy a couple of tins of Celebrations?. Possibly-but I fear that empty tins would be jettisoned out of the window as the Ministerial Jag approached Eland House, leaving staff ignorant of his noble gesture.

No. Disco moves and Chocolates won’t cut it. Apparently what’s needed is a pretend tree....

So here is the latest FoI request:

Dear Chums

According to the recent staff survey all is not well at DCLG. Staff have little confidence in senior management, they are unmotivated and do not feel valued.

I know that great efforts have been made to enthuse and breathe life into pen-pushing, non-jobbing, bureaucratic enemies of enterprise that Uncle Eric views his staff to be.

These efforts include the absolutely amazing ‘Tree of Celebration’. This totem of the successes of DCLG is a cut-out paper tree with post-it notes randomly stuck on whilst a scary massive cartoon bird squawks stuff (If you don't believe me please see the picture on my blog). I know that every time I fail to avert my eyes from the disturbing image, I go a little weak at the knees and I feel the last warmth of my dwindling morale slowly leaking away.

Can you please provide the following information:

1. Who is responsible for moderating what appears on the ‘Tree of Celebration’?

2. Provide a list of notices that have been added to the ‘Tree of Celebration’ since May 2010.

I can't wait for you to spread the good news.

Yours jubilantly,



  1. That chair you can see at the bottom of the picture... looks quite a fancy one. I wonder how much it cost?

    Also, does the Pickled Gherkin have a reinforced chair? What is the chair's maximum load? Is it the Pickled Gherkin's own chair, bought with his own money, or is the taxpayer stumping up for decades of over-indulgence? What kind of chairs do the spads sit on as they wet themselves silly at taxpayers' expense?

    So many questions, so little willingness by the spads to sign off the FOI replies. (Nick - can you do something about this please?)

  2. So you work for DCLG? Do they know? I'm sure this is a staff disciplinary matter.

  3. Moi, work at DCLG? That suggests some level of output, I prefer to think of it as employed (but not for long I guess).

    Now you have got me scared, really scared. For what offence do you think I can be disciplined for. Do you think Uncle Eric will spank me? Do you?!

  4. Your constant abusive FOI requests give FOI a bad name.

  5. Dear Spadstic, not sure about the Jon Bon Jovi reference- the only thing about EP that's not big is his hair.

    Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, You give FOI a bad name, bad name.

  6. Shadrack Duxbury21 March 2011 at 16:41

    I like to think of the requests as joshing - and certainly not abusive. Let's face it, if Eric the Hut and Nick Sheridan Westlake dish it out as much as they do (and let's not start on the libellous comments about Jenny Watson) then they have to be able to take a bit too. Though I wonder if Eric is taking a bit too much out of poor Nick's packed lunch.

  7. If you look at the staff satisfaction survey, the source of dissatisfaction isn't pay and benefits, and satisfaction is going down. Of course its right to question, examine and lampoon such a failing department, and its ministers who are roundly mocked by those in affected professions and hated by those in the several industries pointlessly decimated by policy inertia.

    Rock on Derek, and don't let the fawning apparatchiks put you off your stride.

  8. Betty's Hotpot23 March 2011 at 09:30

    Another classic FOI Derek. Please keep them going!

  9. Please don't you irritating cunt

  10. Nick, please mind your language!

  11. I'm Nick and so's my wife. When I get one.

  12. Anonymous said...
    "Please don't you irritating cunt"

    Aren't you on the wrong blog? - try Guido Fawkes - his flunky's resort to abuse when they can't win an argument - in fact abuse is normally their only tactic

  13. Fuck off Quango you cunt

  14. Try and be orginal about giving your abuse some could even try being funny

  15. I rather like sledgehammer wit. Anyway, it's Kool and the Gang, as any fule kno.

  16. Oh dear ,Derek how clumsy -if you look closely you can indeed see your reflection in the shot of the tree of celebration(s). I do hope no one else at DCLG looks like a silly big bloated spacehopper, and is inadvertently fingered.

  17. I do like that tree, it looks just like the one at my son's (primary) school
    I am not the same anonymous as the other anonymous above