Some people think I’m bonkers

How big a fan is poor Grant Shapps of Dizzee Rascal? Not sure we will find out through the latest freedom of information request but hopefully we will unearth some evidence to support his 'bonkers' statements.

Here is the latest request:

Dear Chums

I write firstly applaud Uncle Eric and all at DCLG in allowing me to take part in a truly wonderful street party to celebrate the Royal Wedding last week -  wow what a day we had! There were about 6 of us for most of the day, though Mrs T did have take the twins to a birthday party at 11am for a few hours. So it was left to me, Bob with the dodgy knee from number 3 and his collie called Shep to get the party started.

We sat about in the street drinking Stella and munching on a KFC family feast bucket (one each natch). We were having so much fun we forgot to put the tv on to watch the wedding, but we had a blinder of a day. Really magic and the the only downer was we had to deal with a few irate motorists and a nasty incident when an ambulance tried to spoil our fun but we continued to exercise our right to party. So thanks chums.

Before the wedding I was pleased to see poor Grant Shapps comments in The Mirror. (http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/news/2011/04/22/royal-wedding-street-parties-need-not-be-bound-by-bonkers-health-and-safety-rules-says-grant-shapps-115875-23077303/).

I love it that poor Grant Shapps appears to be a fan of Dizzee Rascal, more of a Scrufizzer  fan myself. Mr Rascal once sang:

 

“I wake up everyday it’s a daydream

Everythin in my life isn’t what it seems

I wake up just to go back to sleep

I act real shallow but I’m in to deep

And all I care about is sex and violence

And a heavy bass line is my kind of silence

Everybody says I got to get a grip

But I let sanity give me the slip”

B.O.N.K.E.R.S!!!!... Indeed. Sounds like my life – apart from the sex and violence reference. Respect  MC Shappsy….. but sooo last year really.

Mr  Shapps , in his considered think piece in The Mirror, quite rightly attacked councils for their ‘bonkers’ approach to applying Health and Safety laws. I am so glad this he is the voice of reason. I now hope that he will tackle other bonkers acts so that I can continue to send one of the twins up the chimney from time to time – or at least until they get too big and not have to justify a little spring cleaning to some interfering social worker. Also it would help if he could stop those busy bodies forbidding me from fitting my own gas boiler and finally allow me next week to use the job lot of out-of-date sausages that I picked up down the boozer at the twins schools sports day next week. I am sure that with a little ketchup they will be fine after a couple of minutes on the BBQ and will really get the kids going.

Anyway time to get to the substantive request. Can you please supply me with the following information?

1)      A list of councils who DCLG are aware applied ‘bonkers health and safety rules [to] prevent simple celebrations taking place’

2)      Any evidence that councils were going, in Grant Shapps, words ‘bonkers?’  Please include the name of the council and details of the ‘bonkers’ decision,  act or intent.

Yours bonking

D:Eric

Return of the Saint

As you may remember one of Uncle Eric's key achievement is flying county flags above the offices of DCLG. Uncle Eric has been rightly proud of his joint flag flying venture with fellow cuddly bundle of fun Russell Grant, but I fear he has committed a sin over his celebration of St George's day.   I assume he will display an act of penance such as self-flagellation in Victoria Street next week once he is made aware of his error.

Here is my latest FoI request to DCLG: 

Dear Chums

As an avid follower of Uncle Eric, I look forward to his informative updates to the House of Commons. (http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201011/cmhansrd/cm110427/wmstext/110427m0001.htm#11042766000004)

This week Uncle Eric said:

"With Easter, St George's day and the impending royal wedding, there are great opportunities for communities across the nation to come together and celebrate. [...] The Department flew the flag of St George above its headquarters and I encouraged public bodies to fly the English flag as a unifying symbol for the English nation, to be followed by flying the Union flag come the royal wedding."

Normally when reading such pomp as this I would feel my chest swell, a tear form in my eye and my heart quicken. As a patriot I have for many years flown a St George Cross from the aerial of my Rover 25 and a JD sports flag has been hung out the bathroom window since Euro 96 at Tickles Towers. I have often contemplated a tattoo to display my patriotic fervor but have not gone through as I am scared of pricks, especially blunt ones.

But on reading this I was quite simply outraged, my blood quite literally boiled. I have rarely read such blasphemy from someone who I thought respected the church and the Lord. As every hard working Christian family knows Holy week takes precedence over Saints days. Hence, us real hard working Christian families will not be celebrating St George’s day until 2^nd May. I really find DCLGs ignorance of this fact quite stunning. So please can I request:

1. Which Senior Civil Servant, Minister or Special Adviser was responsible for the flying of the St George Cross on the incorrect day?

2. What action will be taken against the member of staff who made this critical error?

3. And can you assure me that the St George Cross will be hoisted up to proudly fly above Eland House on 2^nd May and an apology to the nation made?

Secondly, I was joyful that Uncle Eric has been encouraging all public bodies to fly the English flag as unifying symbol of the English nation. Can you provide information on:

1) As DCLG has responsibilities in Wales, such as fire authorities, can you tell me how many Welsh public bodies have followed the request from the Secretary of State and proudly flown the English flag?

I am very upset about all of this mix up over St George’s Day and I fear it may spoil my royal wedding. Time to go and dig out the bunting.

Yours un-saintly

Derek