I'll be back

Cooooooo-eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Have you missed me??????

As you may have noticed I have not been around much. As some of you know I have been involved with a secret project. Well actually, I had the chance of a secondment to small little Government Department called Her Majesty’s Treasury. It appeared that HMT had got into a bit of bother, like most other Departments, they had lost lots of experienced staff in recent restructuring. Things had got so bad at HMT that they had lost all expertise in replacing the toner cartridges to their antiquated printers and were desperate for my skills! Ironic really that the Department with all the money are still relying on the old workhorse which is the beloved HP Laserjet III(D).  This D is for Duplex printing for those who don’t know!

My secondment was timed to cover the busy period when the budget was made-up. Wowsers - those guys at HMT do get through a lot of paper every day. I was kept on my toes I can tell you. In the last few months I have had to change 3 toner cartridges. Luckily I had lots of help and would formally like to thank the ginger haired young lad with the funny voice –I think his name is Danny and assume he is on some sort of work experience from a National Park or some other small single function body.  I would also like to thank everyone for being so friendly but gosh you guys work hard – you should come to Eland House for a rest!... oh and finally the SpAds are different.. (almost) professional without the air of supercilious arrogance that I sadly I had been accustomed too.

I will hopefully be back at Eland House soon and will start making sure that Uncle Eric and his cronies are held to account (or at least ridicule). In the mean time I was intrigued to see that a few of my and others blogs and FoI requests relating to Opera Solution, Gardant Communications  and Nick Sheridan-Westlake made Private Eye and the LGC last month.

First mention of Opera Solutions and how dodgy research has been used in July 2011:

http://derektickles.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/fight-power.html

Next blog where questions are asked about meetings and emails between Nick Sheridan-Westlake and Nick Vaughan at Gardant Communications:

http://derektickles.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/hot-gossip.html

And finally when Mr Edward Rudolf asked about email communications between Gardant Communication and DCLG. This request was asked in September but not supplies until January – just enough time for Nick to delete his emails?!

http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/analysis_of_procurement_email_to#incoming-243845

I am sure this will not be the last of this. Ben Goldacre did the initial demolition job on Opera's work (linky) and this was then taken up expertly by Radio4's More or Less.... but comrades the real story is about poor Nick-Nick...so keep digging....

I'll be back.. sadly

Derek

Take this job and shove it

Ichthys - all very fishy

Happy New Year!!

Twice in the last month, at work or work functions, I have been sitting next to colleagues who has doodled what look to me like a fish standing on its head with an open tail. This has been done furtively but clearly so that I was allowed to see the image before the outlined fish was hidden with other papers. I really did not know what to make of this and ignored the incidents. When I mentioned this the other day to my dear Mrs T she simply said “Ichthys” and “I guess it is all Greek to you”. She then wondered off making me feel small but thankfully wiki came to the rescue. It soon became clear that this doodle was secret sign and the image was not a fish but the outline of my trusty space hopper.

It does seem I have a growing band of disciples who are making themselves known to each other by flashing the outlined space hopper to each other. As you know I have faced continual persecution and vicious threats, principally from my nemesis Nick, so I urge all my followers to be cautions -  also whilst I am on this subject, can I say I do not condone the biro scrawling of  the image on the back of the toilet door on the 1^st floor which was drawn just before Christmas – please respect the property of DCLG, please!

Here is my latest FoI request.

Dear Chums

It was lovely to see that poor Grant Shapps was promoting sports and street parties in a press release on New Years Eve (http://www.communities.gov.uk/news/corporate/2059497). I was amazed, mainly as this was a Saturday - when does the poor man sleep?! The press release though encourages people to host their own street games. In fact Grant Shapps says:

"As the country starts warming up for the 2012 Olympics, I want to be sure that no one has to wrestle with bureaucracy to be able to mark the occasion in style.

"So I'm today calling on communities to make it their New Year's resolution to get on the starting line and prepare for their own street games. And because all too often red tape gets in the way of these events taking place, I want councils to make it their goal in 2012 to high jump over regulations and fly the flag for those neighbourhoods wanting to take part.

"Hosting street games will both help towards securing an enduring legacy for London 2012 of greater participation in sport, and give everyone a chance to take part in a fitting tribute to the Olympics. I would urge councils and communities across the country to start planning now."

I have couple of questions:

1)       Did Grant Shapps really say this guff as claimed in the press release or was it scripted by some half-cut fool who is about as amusing as a Christmas cracker joke writing team? The reason I ask is that I have a tendency not to believe much of what comes out of the Department at the moment.

2)       Has DCLG received any communication from Brentwood council concerning their plans to host a celebrity sumo wrestling contest that will star a famous cuddly astrologer and larger than life Minister?

Yours grappling with the issues - fight fans

Derek

M-Eric Christmas Chums

'Tis certainly the season to be jolly, Chums. And not just because Gradgrind Shapps proposes curing London of Dickensian conditions by erm....suggesting huge fines that will sent people straight to debtors jail.

Those of you familiar with my ever lengthening column will be aware that my seasonal work as a Santa felt very threatened last year by the 'new 'news from DCLG that batty councils were waging war on our Christmas with new and unchristian names like 'Winterval', 'Festivus' and  'The Snowjob '. I was therefore delighted when that mighty organ , the Daily Mail revealed last month that this wasnt true at all , and I would be able to squeeze into the little red slacks and empty my sack in front of  Penge's children again.

To celebrate I asked the twins to do me a picture to illustrate our favourite Xmas song- 'When Santa got stuck up the chimney'. The thought of a large chap compromised, embarrassed  and losing his temper always raises a chuckle for some reason. Now I've been aware of late of a blossoming in the twins artistic ability- even the chaps in IT at Eland House are often pointing out those funny letter  'A'  shaped towers with round tops and spiky baubles at the base they have the habit of chalking onto the back of my suit jackets. But I was still quite taken aback by their uncanny interpretation of Father C-  I'm clearly talking about Uncle Eric far too much at bedtime!

I hope you have as much fun colouring this in as I had using it to wrap up a fox poo this morning. I blame those bin men!

Rubbish Performance

Last week I had the pleasure of watching my little Eric perform at his school Christmas show. This week it was his twin sister, Erica, who had the chance to shine. I am pleased to say she equaled her brother with a beautiful rendition of ‘Good King Wenceslas’ in which she changed a few words to focus on Uncle Eric’s pet subject.

It is a little known fact that Nick Sheridan-Westlake has the voice of a gelded donkey and I had hoped to source a rendition of him singing the Carol to accompany this blog post but sadly I could not find it. If anyone has a copy his virtuoso castrato from last year’s Christmas party please post a link below.

Good King Wenceslas

Old King Eric once looked out

From the House of Eland

Saw the refuse round about

Collected bi-weekly despite his command.

“They know it’s every Englishman’s right

To have his vindaloo

Collected each and every week

Not one in every two”

“Hither, Shapps, and tell me

Why councils aren’t doing

What it is that I decree.

It’s really got me stewing”.

“Sire,” Shapps said with servile voice

“They talk of localism.

Now they say it is their choice

To have alternate weekly provision”.

“Bring me Giles and bring me Nick”.

The hapless pair appeared.

“This localism makes me sick.

Who thought of this idea?”

“Sire, ‘twas an electoral pledge”

The SPADs had started fretting.

“You said it would give us the edge,

“If we stopped target setting”.

“Goodness gracious” said Eric

“Whatever was I thinking?

Can we get rid of this and quick?

I must have been out drinking.

If we are to win a place

In people’s affection

We must urgently replace

Fortnightly bin collection”

Party Time

During these austere times we are being bombarded with bad news from every quarter.  The economy is in the doldrums, unemployment is rising and Uncle Eric is still running local government  …… …into the ground.

Even the amusing spat between poor Grant  Shapps and John Humphrys last week on the Today Programme has not lifted the mood significantly in Eland House – though the rumours that young Nick was to blame over the confusion of booking poor Mr Shapps and not informing him, bought a smile to my cheeky chubby chops.

I therefore wish to lighten the mood. After all it is nearly the season to party so let us make this Winterval the best one ever. I plan to release an exciting cornucopia of Christmassy crazy creative blogs in the lead up to Winterval day. In the New Year I will be firmly seating myself back in the armchair and leading my shock troop of auditors into action again. So keep a look out for some krazy posts Chums.

So let’s get this party started with another FoI request.

Dear Chums

Last year Robert Neill responded to a question from Caroline Flint about DCLG Winterval Party:

“ As the Secretary of State indicated in his departmental press notice of 29 November 2010, the new Administration is committed to celebrating Christmas, including its Christian heritage. We should not allow politically correct Grinches to marginalise Christmas and the importance of the birth of Christ.

Ministers recognise that we live in frugal times due to the need to pay off the significant public deficit and national debt that the Government have inherited from the previous administration. But there is no need to play Scrooge.

In this context, a Christmas tree has been placed in the Department's reception at Eland house which has been provided at no cost to the taxpayer. This is in contrast to the previous cost of £1,037 for a Christmas tree outlined in the parliamentary answer of 12 November 2009, Official Report, column 849W.

Ministers plan to hold one small reception for senior DCLG staff to thank them for their hard work this year. Their work includes the abolition of bureaucratic Comprehensive Area Assessment and other local red tape, stopping the imposition of bin taxes and the unfair ports tax, and laying the ground for radical new powers for local authorities through the Localism Bill. The reception will be held in Eland House.”

Can you please supply details of the  planned celebrations for this year as I appear  not to have received my invite yet – an administrative oversight from Nick Sheridan-Westlake I am sure.

Yours ready to fight for your right to party

Derek