Ichthys - all very fishy

Happy New Year!!

Twice in the last month, at work or work functions, I have been sitting next to colleagues who has doodled what look to me like a fish standing on its head with an open tail. This has been done furtively but clearly so that I was allowed to see the image before the outlined fish was hidden with other papers. I really did not know what to make of this and ignored the incidents. When I mentioned this the other day to my dear Mrs T she simply said “Ichthys” and “I guess it is all Greek to you”. She then wondered off making me feel small but thankfully wiki came to the rescue. It soon became clear that this doodle was secret sign and the image was not a fish but the outline of my trusty space hopper.

It does seem I have a growing band of disciples who are making themselves known to each other by flashing the outlined space hopper to each other. As you know I have faced continual persecution and vicious threats, principally from my nemesis Nick, so I urge all my followers to be cautions -  also whilst I am on this subject, can I say I do not condone the biro scrawling of  the image on the back of the toilet door on the 1^st floor which was drawn just before Christmas – please respect the property of DCLG, please!

Here is my latest FoI request.

Dear Chums

It was lovely to see that poor Grant Shapps was promoting sports and street parties in a press release on New Years Eve (http://www.communities.gov.uk/news/corporate/2059497). I was amazed, mainly as this was a Saturday - when does the poor man sleep?! The press release though encourages people to host their own street games. In fact Grant Shapps says:

"As the country starts warming up for the 2012 Olympics, I want to be sure that no one has to wrestle with bureaucracy to be able to mark the occasion in style.

"So I'm today calling on communities to make it their New Year's resolution to get on the starting line and prepare for their own street games. And because all too often red tape gets in the way of these events taking place, I want councils to make it their goal in 2012 to high jump over regulations and fly the flag for those neighbourhoods wanting to take part.

"Hosting street games will both help towards securing an enduring legacy for London 2012 of greater participation in sport, and give everyone a chance to take part in a fitting tribute to the Olympics. I would urge councils and communities across the country to start planning now."

I have couple of questions:

1)       Did Grant Shapps really say this guff as claimed in the press release or was it scripted by some half-cut fool who is about as amusing as a Christmas cracker joke writing team? The reason I ask is that I have a tendency not to believe much of what comes out of the Department at the moment.

2)       Has DCLG received any communication from Brentwood council concerning their plans to host a celebrity sumo wrestling contest that will star a famous cuddly astrologer and larger than life Minister?

Yours grappling with the issues - fight fans

Derek

I wanna tell you a story

The twins are getting excited as soon after school breaks up for the summer, we will be going on holiday. I cannot tell you exactly when as I fear HR will be forced to review annual leave records in an attempt to identify me. This year we are heading back to Devon and I am sure some of you are pleased to hear that we will pop in to see our adopted donkey at the wonderful Donkey Sanctuary.

Due to their excitement the kids are not falling asleep without a lengthy bedtime story. Last week, I tried to read them the localism bill but after 120 pages they sadly lost the plot – I fear they are not the only ones.  So yesterday I thought I would try to make up my own tale. Here it is:

Once upon a time, not many months ago lived a nasty man who spoke with a Yorkshire rasping voice punctuated with heavy briefing. This man rightly had few friends but had a band of acolytes that followed him around the country and helped him with his dirty deeds.  This man was called the Pie-d Pickler and he wrought damage on many communities.

One day the Pied Pickler and his followers arrived at the small principality of Eland. The people of Eland were a happy, helpful bunch who loved their families and looked out for each other - although on occasions they could be a little work shy. The Elanders had a good life and enjoyed good food – including wonderful famous 7-course breakfasts. The only problem in Eland was an infestation of rats. Some people suggested that the rat numbers had increased due food waste and fortnightly bin collections but the real reason was linked to the local private water companies investing little in clearing rat nests in sewers – after all why would they want to waste their precious profits on such a smelly problem – think of all the poo in the sewer!!

When the Pied Pickler arrived in Eland he demanded changes, but first he demanded a mixed grill for him and his followers (though NSW asked for a salad). The people of Eland provided food and ask for payment. The Pied Pickler held his big belly and laughed. He said he would not pay. The Mayor of Eland begged him to pay to say they needed the money to deal with the rats and deliver improvements to local public services. The Mayor said they could not live with the rats in their houses. The Pied Pickler promised he would deal with the problem and the Elanders would no longer have to share their homes with the rats. The Mayor thanked him and was happy.

The next day the Pied Pickler arrived in the main square and pulled out his magic pipe. He huffed and puffed and then played a tune that no one recognised nor enjoyed. The tune was horrid (it was even worse that when Daddy plays the Led Bib album that you both hate). The Pied Pickler kept playing and after 3 days the people of Eland could not take it anymore. They were forced to leave their homes and community. They simply were forced to become homeless.

After the exodus of forty thousand people of Eland, the Pied Pickler put down his pipe. A raven appeared and emitted a loud krak from atop the Tree of Celebration and the sky turned black. Forthwith the rats appeared. The number of rats was great and could not be counted by man (but  according to the word of wiki and The Sun the quantum was 81 million). The Pied Pickler told the rats that as the residents of Eland had disrespected his authority that the people had been banished from their homes and the rats could live for free and forever in Eland. The rats looked up to the corpulent flautist with tears in their ratty eyes and he said to them ‘This is my word and I am here to share the love’.

And no-one lived happily ever after.

                                    ....The End.....

After I finished this story the twins were asleep. Then next morning Mrs T told me that the twins had had nightmares and they told her they had developed allergy to my stories. Bright kids but I am sure they meant allegory.

[I know some of you will read my story and think I half-inched bits of the narrative and replicated the style from a more famous story about rats. I do concede this but justify it by saying I have always been a fan of The Plague by Albert Camus].

Search for the hero inside yourself

Sorry if I have been quiet of late. I have been very busy involved in a clandestine project in Eland House. I have been trying to find myself. No, I have not converted to Buddhism, partly in fear that due to my bad karma I get reincarnated as Mrs Pickles. I have been helping out my Great Uncle Eric. Following on from the suspension of a certain tweeter who may have been easy to spot as he was naked, the hunt has once again turned to vexatious Mr Tickles.

At first I thought the team viewing on screen my 'Tree of Celebration' post were simply enjoying the jokes but sadly not. This dastardly crew were blowing up the images and trying to recognise me in the reflection. I must confess I was worried, as the picture size was increased bit by bit, my image became clearer and clearer, until eventually on screen in perfect clarity you could see me sitting atop my trusty orange space hopper - signed photos available on request. Not sure what happens next but you will not see me bouncy down to the Cask and Glass on my spacehopper for while.

  

So now back to business of FoIs etc. I do not really know much about feminism apart from what I picked up at an equalities and diversity workshop a few years ago but I do know that Andy Williams 'Wives and Lovers' is not celebration of female emancipation. A wonderful tune nonetheless with salient messages:

Hey! Little Girl
Comb your hair, fix your makeup
Soon he will open the door
Don't think because there's a ring on your finger
You needn't try anymore

For wives should always be lovers too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I'm warning you...

Day after day
There are girls at the office
And men will always be men
Don't send him off with your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again

Indeed I know there are girls at the office and indeed some men will be men. I personally have resisted the temptation and believe me temptation has been thrust in my way many times - even for me as a humble assistant toner cartridge replacer. Just imagine if I had attained a high elevated position  - would I have been able to resist the call of the Sirens from the typing pool?

So here is my latest FoI request

Dear Chums

I have recently received an anonymous communication. In this furtive message I was informed that a certain very senior chap at DCLG has been conducting a extra martial dalliance with a junior member of staff. I grant that it would be foolish to name the dandy without conclusive proof but I think it is important to be clear about DCLG administer these delicate issues.

Please can you supply me with?

1. Any staff polices that relates to staff having relations with other staff. Please include mention of relations between staff and Ministers or god forbid between, staff and SpAds. I am not interested in the relationships between SpAds and Ministers as this no doubt transcends love.

2. The number of times, since January 2011, that a senior member of the HR team has had to speak, email or phone staff, SpAd or ministers about inappropriate behaviors and remind them of DCLG policy concerning affairs?

Yours crazy in love

Derek

xx