Bright or wrong

Wandsworth council is often referred to as the flagship conservative council. It has often been praised by Uncle Eric, who we all know is a fan of flags (-unsure about ships though) and he is big big fan of sycophants.

Wandsworth has always kept council tax low; not moaned about its (very generous) settlement and been a vocal supporter of Tory local government policy. In recent years though, Wandsworth has described itself as the ‘Brighter Borough’. I understand this has nothing to do with its southern latitude - there really are civilised councils further south of The River. Neither is it connected to the rumour that Wandsworth’s leaders basks in the warming sunlight that they believe radiates from the Secretary of State’s super massive blackhole of a backside - a suggestion which even Prof Brian Cox would not describe as ‘amazing and beautiful’.

I understand it is connected to the spurious claim that is has the highest percentage of graduates in its population. This irks its northern neighbour who may now decide call themselves ‘The filthy rich borough’ and another Sarf London neighbour who may go with the more simple – ‘The filthy borough’.

All the jazz about how bright Wandsworth is has been inspired from a recent blog by the Chief Executive of Wandsworth. Is he and the council as really as bright as they say? Below is my latest FoI request:

Dear Chums,

Paul Martin the Chief Executive of Wandsworth ‘The Brighter Borough’ Council had a few things to say about the value of Uncle Eric’s diktat that all council publish expenditure data. (See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/public-leaders-network/blog/2012/feb/20/paul-martin-wandsworth-council-open-initiative). In his blog piece he said:

“It's a huge amount of information, but without analysis and comparisons raw numbers are meaningless. To illustrate the point, I have just looked at the Department for Communities and Local Government web pages on spending over £500. I defy anyone to discover anything useful from this process.”

Given that Wandsworth Council have been a loyal and fervent supporter of the Conservative party this criticism must hurt Uncle Eric.

Has DCLG conducted any research that they are prepared to share that provides evidence that there is tangible value in councils and DCLG publishing this bumf and clogging up the interweb? If so we can conclude the Brighter Borough is now a little dimmer? Or if no evidence exists, do we know if Paul Martin is suggesting Eric Pickles is a bit of a dunce?

Yours intellectually challenged

Derek

We Gotta Pray

Dearly beloved we gather today for the 15025^th meeting of Barchester Council. Before we move on the substantive agenda items on closing down council services due to funding cuts; responding to Uncle Eric’s unique flavour of localism and doing the stuff we have been elected to do, please bow your heads and join me in prayer

Lord Eric, in your mercy, hear our prayers.

We pray that with your infinite wisdom you see your cuts are not fair and are focussed on the poor and needy. We pray that you are able to be gracious and help those that need help.

We pray that you review the inequity within the local government settlement and the arbitrary metric of the revenue spending power.

We pray that you do not turn a blind eye to the beggar (even if it is in the guise of a once proud city proffering a begging bowl). We pray that you do not mock their affliction but stretch out a charitable hand to offer succour.

We pray that you treat all with respect. We pray that you teach humility and humanity to your special boyz in the hope that they can turn away from the dark side.

We pray that you drop your unhealthy obsession with bins and all that is unclean. We pray that you allow councils to do the job they there to do without your constant interference. 

We pray for localism.

We pray that you find it within yourself to praise councils not matter what their colour – be they blue, orange or red.

We pray that you learn to love your enemy as your friend.

And we pray your days at DCLG are numbered and you have the chance to move to DEFRA.

Lord Eric, in your mercy, hear our prayers

Amen.

Rubbish Puzzle

Rumours that I have gone Upto(w)n are not true.  Let me tell you if Nick comes to my desk and tries to stick his grubby hands in my drawers, looking for incriminating evidence, he will go away an unhappy lad. In fact he would not only leave empty handed but embarrassed and feeling even more inadequate that he currently does. You have been warned Nick – stay away from my dungeon.

Here is my latest rubbish FoI request:

Dear Chums

I was excited today to read about Uncle Eric’s kind generous gesture to councils that will allow them move away from inefficient fortnightly bin collection and return to weekly collection. I know there are some cynics who say the £250million which was miraculously found had been top sliced out of the settlement but I cannot believe Uncle Eric would be so scurrilous – I would not be surprised if this new money is coming directly from his own pocket, perhaps with help from the odd dodgy expense claim for a second home. [ - a joke my lawyer  reminds me].

In the press release today Uncle Eric says

“..barmy bin rules have made putting out your rubbish more complicated than solving a Rubik's cube.”

Is this really the case?  Can I ask what evidence he has to make this bizarre comparison? Which of these two statements apply to the Secretary of State. Either,

a)      he is a genius and finds solving the Rubik’s Cube so trivial that any other task, no matter how simple, would be more difficult than tackling the cube?

Or,

b)      is he so utterly stupid that putting the bins out is really a task which baffles him so much?

I know which of these two possibilities I would put £250 million on.

Yours puzzled

Derek

It's Panto Time - Oh yes it is

Here’s the season to be jolly and I am pleased to announce with Winterval fast upon us that a truce in war between Uncle Eric and his axis of Evil versus the Army of Armchair Auditor.

To mark this unprecedented truce I was invited to a meeting that focused on increasing the rock bottom morale at DCLG. All the great and good were there plus Nick and Giles. Uncle Eric chaired the meeting and Poor Grant Shapps was asked to keep minutes – purely to keep him awake I think.

The meeting started with a suggestion that senior staff put on Christmas play for the troops. One option put forward was a Nativity play with Uncle Eric appearing from a (very strong) safety wire in the atrium as the Angel Gabriel. Poor Grant Shapps said he could play the part of the Baby Jesus as he could sleep peacefully in a manager. But all this was scuppered when it was pointed out we could not find 3 wise men and virgin. At this point Nick’s frail hand shot up and he said ‘but I am a…’ and before he finished Giles interrupted and said, too much amusement, ‘yes we know you are but it is the wise men that is the problem’. Those specials boys really do not get on!!

Anyway a decision was made that we would put on a pantomime and we have all been busy rehearsing - more details later folks.

In the meantime here is a festive puzzle to keep the little ones amused.

Online jigsaw puzzles from JigsawSite.com

Curry on laughing

I have just about stopped laughing at the next harebrained idea to come out of DCLG Ministers - have they been out drinking with Bobby Neill again? I did not think that Poor Grant Shapps  idea of solving the housing crisis by getting more people to live on Houseboats would not be beaten but my Uncle Eric has topped that mad idea with sheer incredibleness.

As Local Authorities are facing massive cuts to funding, youth unemployment is at over a million and the economy is as energetic as Andrew Stunnell on valium; Uncle Eric has come up with an amazing idea and is tacking the problem that vexes him most after weekly bin collection (remember he found £250 million for this pet project). The crisis this country faces at this monumental time is ... curry.

Uncle Eric is concerned that restrictions on the number of immigrants being allowed to enter the country will reduce the quality of his favourite dish. So he is setting up a Curry College (See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/nov/18/pickles-curry-college-intergration-strategy?newsfeed=true).  Amazingly he tries to wrap this venture up with talk of social integration but it is self-interest and stuffing his podgy chops that concerns him most. So much so that I hear he is going to appoint himself Vice-Chancellor and personally test each and every dish that is cooked.

Time for a lovely poppadum but I think the lime pickles is off and are making me sick.

Get 'em out for the lads

This confession may come as surprise to my many readers. I have never invited my Uncle Eric to lunch or been invited by him – not even a candle- lit private soiree.  You can search his expenses and you will never see my name mentioned at all. Though  you are going to have to take my word for this as Uncle Eric seems to have to go himself in a bit of bother about declaring who he has met when and where (see: http://www.prweek.com/uk/News/MostRead/1101622/Eric-Pickles-quizzed-Commons-Bell-Pottinger-blog-revelation/). You can be sure that humble blog is not going to ever try to embarrass Uncle Eric.

Whilst I have never dined alone with Uncle Eric I have had the pleasure to share a dining table with him on two occasions. The first was in the highly subsidised DCLG staff canteen when Uncle Eric tucked into a hearty mixed grill. The second time was recently when I went for lunch at the wonderful  Spicy World near Victoria Station.  Uncle Eric followed me in minutes after I had arrived, no doubt similarly attracted by the All You Can Eat Lunchtime Buffet – the memory of this duel visit will bring tears to the owners eyes for years to come I am sure.

During this meal over a rogan josh, lamb bhuna, chicken tikka, etc, etc etc burp, etc, etc, belch, etc, etc … Uncle Eric and I shared a couple of appreciative grunts (no I don’t mean Nick and Giles) on the quality of the food. I did not expect that Uncle Eric would record the details of this epic lunch in the Members’ Interest but surely if it had been arranged by me and I was a influential lobbyist and it was at 5 star restaurant and I was paying and I we were discussing DCLG business , then perhaps we should know about it.

As we are on the subject of eating out -  Poor Grant Shapps has got a bit hot under his sweaty collar over the recent revelation that officials from Ordnance Survey claimed for a meal at ‘Hooters’ restaurant whilst on an overseas trip. A tired but apoplectic Mr Shapps said:

"Now we learn Labour officials squandered  hundreds of pounds not once, but twice at adult entertainment bars in America.”

I am surprised by these comments. Firstly I thought that staff working for OS are not Labour Officials but simple civil servants. Secondly I think everyone knows (apart from, perhaps, the The Daily Mail) that Hooters is cheapish, novelty chain of fast food restaurants that just happens to insist that the young waitresses wear t-shirts and shorts.  I do not think it bans children from dining and no one would describe it as adult entertainment.  I, for one, would be intrigued to know more about what Mr Shapps describes as adult entertainment (nudge nudge wink wink).

And less we forget ….. it was DCLG staff, under the current Minister, which splashed out a grand at a swanky burlesque bar (see http://derektickles.blogspot.com/2011/06/let-he-who-is-without-sin-cast-first.html). Now how do I spell  - hypocrite? oh yes – t,w,a,t.

Here is my latest FoI:

Dear Chums

Grant Shapps describes Ordnance Survey staff whom made legitimate expenses claims as Labour Officials. ( http://conservativehome.blogs.com/localgovernment/2011/11/dclg-staff-spent-taxpayers-money-at-adult-entertainment-restaurants.html)

He also describes the restaurant attended as an adult entrainment bar.

Can you please provide details on: 

 1)     

Does DCLG now have a policy of describing civil servants as political party employees? Will it in future describe us hard working DCLG staff as conservative officials?

2)      Has DCLG compiled a list of fast-food chains that are deemed unacceptable to dine at based on a moral code developed by Grant Shapps?

Yours trying to get them out

Derek