God Bless You, Curry Gentlemen

Chums, I hate to waste a single slither of my delicious Dale Farm Turkey. If Mrs T had a penny for every time she’s caught me in the wee hours, gnawing on a bone by fridge-light, mayonnaise all over the place, the economy would be in a far better place. A dry old bird can really ruin the season (I am talking now about the Turkey). Bored of the usual Scooby snack style ten- storey sandwiches and Mrs T’s ‘coalition soups’ -watery and lacking consistency , I realised the answer was right under my nose, on most of my lapels and all of my ties: Curry!

A good curry keeps the meat on the waist not in the waste, what with those ever expanding gaps between refuse collections, and at the same time celebrates the multiculturalism our mighty empire has engendered. It’s cheaper than a pig-out at Spicy World after work -and I can eat it at home without listening to Uncle E’s chops smacking together around a dirty bhuna.

So in tribute to -and inspired by-Uncle Eric’s wonderful Curry College concept I took a few days away from armchair auditing and turned ‘korma cadet’. I secured a sous-chef job at my local emporium – the Mahabarata in Penge - on a voluntary basis as an intern.

Sadly I was chased from the kitchens, having tossed a Bob Monkhouse gag about ‘infatuation’ into the banter, and been caught with my hands in the big pickle jar once too often. However I did manage to ‘borrow’ a nice recipe for that most authentically Indian of dishes Tikka Massala. I hope they don’t spot it here ( as most of them can’t speak English, fit in a minute to go online in between 20 hour shifts or afford a computer with the sub-minimum wages I should be ok ). I’ve made a few tweaks, but didn’t want to come over all Anjum Anand.
Honest.

By the way, for dessert I like to continue the Anglo-Indian theme with an Empire classic -Victoria Sponge.

-----------------------------------

Derek’s Winterval Turkey Leftover Tikka Masala

Ingredients:

Turkey leftovers, if you have any
2/3 onions
2½cm grated ginger
3 garlic cloves
1 dessert spoon garam masala
1 tsp chilli powder
½ dessert spoon ground coriander
½ dessert spoon ground cumin
1 dessert spoon fenugreek leaves
1 tin chopped plum tomatoes
3 tbsp tomato purée
¾ pint / 16¼fl oz of water
1 dessert spoon of sugar
1 tub Greek yoghurt
fresh coriander (chopped)

Method

1. Relentlessly chop! Apply any number of misguided or ill thought through cuts to the onions -then fry them with the ginger and garlic until they all start to turn brown.

2. Add the fenugreek leaves, these give this dish that authentic fragrant aroma- think a night at Spicy World or Samcam’s bathwater.
Treat yourself to a snifter of sherry.

3. Spice time. Add garam masala, chilli powder, ground coriander and ground cumin to taste. Cool as Giles’s hair or Hot as Uncle E’s collar.

4. Add the tomatoes and brusquely simmer this cheeky sauce for about five minutes. My wrists ache at this point. But that’s not unusual.
Next add the tomato purée, ¾ pint of water- or 480ml if you are stuck with a batty Eurocentric measuring jug. Add large Pinch of salt and sugar. Repeat till conscience permits. You will now have the makings of a redder- than- Ken masala sauce. Blend this mixture to a smooth sauce consistency. In your blender. Even my wrists aren’t that good.

4. Now add the turkey leftovers to the sauce and return the pan to a low heat and allow it to simmer and penetrate the turkey pieces. Like the big society your ingredients are finally all in this together.
Careful you don’t overcook them to breaking point. Celebratory slug!

5. Nearly forgot the spin! Now add the Greek yoghurt and spin it in like a SpAd to give the masala it’s superficial glossy piquant finish.
It doesn’t matter how it tastes now, provided it isn’t as tasteless as a night at a French restaurant with Aidan Burley and pals.

6. Garnish with freshly axed coriander to give the impression there’s anything fresh at all.

7 Serve with naan bread, pilau rice, three onion bhajis, a sag panir, prawn puree, chicken chat, tarka dall, aloo gobi etc etc

8.Eat while watching Bergerac on TV Gold or an art house film -such as The King’s Speech, a little gem I discovered recently

Alternative method: Call The Mahabarata in Penge on 0303 444 0000.
Free delivery. Free Poppadoms and sauces with orders of £30 or more.

Just don’t mention Derek T, they still haven’t forgiven me for tampering with their pickles!

Curry on laughing

I have just about stopped laughing at the next harebrained idea to come out of DCLG Ministers - have they been out drinking with Bobby Neill again? I did not think that Poor Grant Shapps  idea of solving the housing crisis by getting more people to live on Houseboats would not be beaten but my Uncle Eric has topped that mad idea with sheer incredibleness.

As Local Authorities are facing massive cuts to funding, youth unemployment is at over a million and the economy is as energetic as Andrew Stunnell on valium; Uncle Eric has come up with an amazing idea and is tacking the problem that vexes him most after weekly bin collection (remember he found £250 million for this pet project). The crisis this country faces at this monumental time is ... curry.

Uncle Eric is concerned that restrictions on the number of immigrants being allowed to enter the country will reduce the quality of his favourite dish. So he is setting up a Curry College (See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/nov/18/pickles-curry-college-intergration-strategy?newsfeed=true).  Amazingly he tries to wrap this venture up with talk of social integration but it is self-interest and stuffing his podgy chops that concerns him most. So much so that I hear he is going to appoint himself Vice-Chancellor and personally test each and every dish that is cooked.

Time for a lovely poppadum but I think the lime pickles is off and are making me sick.

Civil disobedience

I had not realised that my blog had global appeal until I looked at the web stats and saw I was getting hits from all over the globe – from Chile to Uzbekistan to Nigeria to Philippines. Obviously the largest numbers of hits originate from the UK but there does seem to be a growing number from the US with India not far behind. This blog entry is dedicated to my many Indian fans especially as we all know my Uncle Eric is a big big fan of your wonderful food.

As we all know Uncle Eric is a fan of curry and it came as no surprise the distance he would travel to have a good one (as long as he was not walking or riding a bike in his rubber knickers). In April, Uncle Eric took a  4-day jolly with colleagues to India, at tax payers’ expense.  The purpose?  - “Ongoing focus on building community relations and trade and business links” - not sure how this helps struggling local authorities or Uncle Eric’s diet but I hope they had fun.

Here is my latest request (It would be nice if someone else wants to ask these questions as I suspect I am still declared as vexatious.)

Nameste Chums

Uncle Eric took a 4 day jolly to India in April. He no doubt arrived like new Viceroy from the bygone era of the British Raj – ready to tell the natives how to run things but spending most of the time looking pasty , sweating and generally causing offence.

From a distance one could have been forgiven to seeing a close resemblance to a previous great Indian thinker and politician. The bald head; the wire-framed glasses; the gentle manner; the quiet voice. Alas any comparison with Mahatma Gandhi disappears on closer inspection – it is as if Gandhi had forgone the diet, non violent tolerance and socialist views. Indeed when Gandhi was to reply to the question of what he thought about  Western Civilisation with the remark he “thought it was a good idea” - could well be directed at the state of local government after Uncle Eric has massacred it. I suspect that also Uncle Eric is unlikely to turn the other cheek – even though he possesses two of size of a bungalow.

Previous Freedom of Information request have stated that the trip occurred zero expenditure. I know Indian is cheap but cannot believe that the proud Uncle Eric slept on the streets of Old Delhi holding out a begging bowl. Hence someone most have paid for this trip. Can you therefore supply the following information?

1)     A complete agenda of the trip to India. Include time of meetings, meals, excursions and places of stay. Please include which Indian organisation or body also attended and paid for trip. As India has its own FOI act I wish to follow up details of the trip with Indian authorities.

2)     What plans does the Secretary of State have to host a similar trip for visitors from the Indian Government

Yours in civil disobedience

Derek