Shap-eau Mr Shapps

Dear Chums

I have been away for a few days with Mrs T. We left the kids with the in-laws and headed down to Hastings for a romantic few days by the sea to celebrate my birthday. Thank you for the birthday best wishes. Very touching indeed.

With money being tighter than this year’s LG settlement, Mrs T had to be creative in her choice of gift for me. She spent less than 15p this year and it was the best pressie ever. She presented me with DVD with two features on. The first she called 'Beauty and Beast' and the second she had titled 'Tales of the Mad Hatter'.

So on Wednesday evening we settled down with a tube of Pringles and a bottle of Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut to watch the DVD. And what joy we had. The first feature, Beauty and Beast, starred Uncle Eric Pickles and Caroline Flint. Set in the House of Common it was like a Kramer vs Kramer type tense drama. Instead of custody of a snotty nosed child they are fighting over the future of local government. Uncle Eric seems to be constantly out of breath and struggling with his lines. Ms Flint looks lovely but exhibits the emotion of dead fish. Alas she could be forgiven having to stare intently at her co-star. Gowd forbid how she would have coped if there was the love scene Uncle Eric was trying to get added.

The seconding billing was 'Tales of the Mad Hatter'. This was pure comedy. I have not laughed so much since Graham in IT-support formatted a senior manager’s hard drive instead of backing it up (names have been changed to protect idiots).

The star of 'Tales of the Mad Hatter' was poor Grant Shapps. He was appearing at the CLG select committee on the future of local audit. A dry subject I am sure you will agree but Mr Shapps was wonderful….. wonderfully unconvincing. His best line was that he would 'eat his hat' if the planned abolition of the Audit Commission does not save £50 million quid, a figure that he had earlier admitted was a guess and based on nowt.

So what type of hat would we like to see Grant Shapps eat? I know that many people visualise him in a dunces cap but I think he would enjoy that too much. Perhaps a big felt jesters hat with bells on as he is often playing the fool? Or an old leather Biggles aviator hat that he uses when flying his private-we-all-in-this-

together plane. Whichever hat he is wearing when the Audit Commission is finally terminated (rumours are he is to become party Chairman soon as Warsi is not man enough for the job), I hope the hat eating is televised as it will be pure TV gold. As they say in France shap-eau Mr Shapps!!!

Finally, I will also like to make my own foolhardy statement like poor Grant Shapps: If Uncle Eric Pickles is still Secretary of State at DCLG when the Audit Commission finally closes it double entry bookkeeping ledger for the last time I will eat Eric Pickles. There you go I have said and please keep me to it.

 

Yours with indigestion

Derek