Belt Up

I had a bit of a shock recently. I stood on the bathroom scales and at seeing the reading I first thought they must have been upside down. Surely that is suppose to say 68 not 89kg? I know I tucked away a few extra donuts whilst on holiday but really. Well that was a wake-up call and I was determined to do something about it.

When I returned to Eland House I decided that I should get involved with the most active sports club that DCLG has. So last week with some trepidation I headed deep down to the basement and enquired about joining the infamous but highly secretive darts team.  I met a great group of guys but sadly I was only there for 5 minutes before I felt a little deflated after some small prick burst my trusty spacehopper; that is the danger of the game. I think I need to find a more gentle sport… how about bowls  as supported by Uncle Eric (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/aug/30/eric-pickles-communities-bowling-greens ) -  maybe we can knock down Eland House a replace it with a lush bowling green?

Anyway back to darts -the best thing about the arrowsmen was their desire for bevvy. Now that is the sport I enjoy, nearly as much as their unofficial anthem which was sung many times during the evening: ‘Wherever I lay Grant Shapps that’s my home’ .

Talking of homes, it seems Uncle Eric and his band of merry Ministers are managing anger all sides with the new guidelines on planning for building new homes. Recently Grant Shapps, a man who could either politely be described as a creative thinker or less politely as a loon, came up with the incredible suggestion that the housing crisis could be solved with more people living on houseboats on Britain’s canals (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14690157).  Apart from the obvious difficulties and dangers for old people, children and disabled – one thing that he did not address is what all the houseboat residents are going do with all their poo?!  Surely they cannot just throw it over than side of their narrow boat with the rest of their rubbish – think of the fishes man!

It seems to some that Uncle Eric would be happy to pave over the green belt or at least put in under serious threat. No surprise there as he is constantly putting belts under strain – you just have to look at the tensile stress on his 48inch Kevlar reinforced suit belt. If that belt snaps the whiplash could cause a major incident across half of Victoria and structural damage to nearby buildings.

DCLG recently published a Myth Busting webpage on National Planning Policy Framework (which I cannot be bothered to link too as it is dull). I thought I may be able to help out with a few extra ideas that could help with the housing crisis.

1.       Grant Shapps could open up the East Wing of his multi-million mansion and allow 30 families to live comfortably (after all he aint going to be hit by a mansion tax any time soon)

2.       Uncle Eric could allow a young couple to live in his Jaguar and he could get his rubber knickers on and take a Boris Bike for the short journey from the train station.

3.       As DCLG do not seem to be keen to reduce rubbish going to landfill they could adopt a strategy where the landfill sites are opened for the homeless to live there. It was good enough for Stig of the Dump in the 1970s so time to reintroduce the idea.

4.       Once the Tories have privatised the NHS completely then the hospitals could be turned over to act as cheap hostels. They could almost describe the beds as en-suite assuming the bed pans are still in place.

5.       Encourage Channel  5 to host a 10 year long Big Brother and lock away same fame hungry idiots with Kerry Katona

6.       Host a year long festival with free camping where D:Eric and Dominoes promise to play the next night but always have to cancel. The crowds will be massive and will stay I guarantee.